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23 Jan 2013 4:34 PM
This is one amazing story:
After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.
10 Jan 2013 3:04 PM
My brother driving on an interstate and peeved because he just drove 2-1/2 hours to a restaurant that was closed thanks to his wife's sister - and now he's lost:
Hubbie (to his wife): "Tell your sister good luck finding anything on these unmarked streets."
"You'd think they'd have the courtesy to put up some street signs to let you know where you are."
Wifie: "Well you don't know what you're doing because you're not FROM here ... my sister LIVES here she doesn't need street signs."
Hubbie (laughing cynically): "Your sister isn't the only one driving these roads".
Wifie: "Im just saying if you live here you don't need "signage".
Hubbie (laughing bitterly): ... "and I'm saying that probably half these drivers aren't FROM here and they might want to know where they're going".
Wifie: "and Im saying the people who live here LIKE MY SISTER already KNOW where they are."
Hubbie: (addressing me now which makes me nervous when they're fighting) "How 'bout it Dyanne ....... why did it never occur to the state of delaware that there might be other people traveling these roads besides locals ????? "
Me in a small voice: "I guess they're weren't expecting visitors".
7 Jan 2013 4:47 PM
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the sink and wash while I sit on the sofa and fart
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
5 Jan 2013 11:14 AM
The tiny grasp of an unborn baby girl during performance of a cesarean procedure ...