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Welcome to Twiex's blog!

14 Nov 2012 7:00 AM

What an effort just to get from the car to the front door, then to my bedroom.  My life has been turned inside out.  I was so independent.  Took care of my kids and their friends - had a feast here for them every night.  Now my kids have scattered because I cannot take care of them.  Not yet - I'm gonna work at getting my indendence back.  One son moved out.  One went to live with a family who can take care of him until I am well, my youngest is still here, but my ex is also here now, and sad to say, I am dependent on him to take care of William, and also my needs.  It hurts to have to bring him back into my life, but we both have a need to fulfil - he needs a place to stay temporarily, and I need someone who can run to get medications, and do housework for me, because I am still too weak to cook and clean, and I cannot drive at all.  I thought coming home was gonna be exciting, but it kind of has been disheartening.  I am embarrassed to say that when I was doing the one mile walk at the hospital on their machine I found it did not mean I can really walk a mile, it was just building endurance.  I have to use a walker, and I hate it.  I have to have physical theraphy 3 x a week, occupational therapy 3 x a week, speech therapy 3 times a week, an assistant 3 times a week to shower me and do other things needed, and a nurse daily.  This is so not me.  This is so not Twiex.  I want my kids back.  I just want my life back.  I feel so helpless and useless now.  But I can't do this to myself.  I'm just being a baby and feeling sorry for myself.  I should be happy I am still alive. 
I am gonna beat this - but friends I have to face reality, I still have a long ways to go. I swore I would be dancing at the end of it all, and I will, I know I will.  I just have to get used to this new home environment to start my recovery in, chin up and quit blubbering.  As much as I hate it I have to depend on help from others, especially one I have a hard time tolerating.  But, I know God kept me here for a purpose, and I know I have to go back to that hospital and volunteer my services because some of those people have been just dumped there and forgotten, and they are beautiful people, they just need someone to give them some time.  So I gotta sum up my strength, grow some hair on my chest, get a few more "winks from plow" and hugs from my 50s friends, and soon I will be ready to dance to that hospital to do my service. Because, if I am very quiet, and listen closely, I still hear the music, and my feet are ready to start tapping. 

3 Nov 2012 6:34 AM

I have been in the hospital for over two months now.  I have learned to walk again, to swallow without aspirating, and to do activities of daily living again.  I am walking up to a mile a day.  I am getting stronger every day, though I have had a few hurdles to get over.  I know I am going home soon, but I also know I am coming back - by my choice.  The people here are wonderful - patients and personnel alike - and they need help.  Not enough people volunteer their time to sit with a patient and read to them, or feed them, or just paint their nails.  Not enough people who are family and are supposed to care "have the time" to share a meal, or afternoon stroll, or even a sack of burgers from Mickey D's.  I have grown to love these people, and to appreciate them - their are us.  So loving, so appreciative for any little thing, I have been honored to share their past by listening to their stories and learning old time cultures, I will never learn from books, and unlike our kids today they have such beautiful manners and are so caring in return and ready eager to be there for you in your need.  Yes, I am coming back, and I am looking forward to it, and looking forward to seeing the smiles on the faces of my friends when I walk through their doors, just to come and visit - this is going to be so much fun, I can barely wait.

23 Sep 2012 3:13 AM

Since this whole "situation" has occurred, I have noticed a lot of different reactions from a lot of different people (friends, family and acquaintances) and this has been a learning experience in and of itself for me.  My children act very angry whenever I talk to them, and this I understand.  This has changed their whole lives very drastically.  It has brought me closer to my brothers and one of my brother's families.  It has scared my three sisters to where they will  not talk to me directly, only through others in the family.  It doesn't bother me for people to ask me questions, and I will not be offended.  I am still me - I still have my fun loving sense of humor, and I still like to play and tease.  Hopefully my intellect is still intact - haha - time will tell.  Love and hugs all.

22 Sep 2012 4:37 AM

Okay, today I stood 3 x, so I am on my way to recovery - OMG - I sound like an addict - well, I am though, addicted to life.  Pretty soon I will be dancing circles around everyone, and if I pass you by, grab my hand, love to dance and always looking for a dance partner.

21 Sep 2012 5:55 AM

Just when I thought I was getting my life back in order it became firetrucked up beyond all recognition.  FUBAR.  No kidding.  Just finishished moving, just got rid of x again, was resolving issue with harrassing neighbor who just would not take 'no' for an answer, and dealing with rebellious son - so my blood pressure went up - of course, whose wouldn't.  My doc started me on high blood pressure medication.  I took it a couple of days,  was doing fine, working my new job, loving it, talking to all my friends here in chat, and boom - went to bed about the third night of the meds and was having trouble breathing.  It got worse, and I decided I better not drive, so I called my mom and dad and asked them to take me to the hospital.  By the time I got to the hospital my O2 was so low I was hallucinating that my older son had been killed by sharks while in the Navy Seals and was so convinced by this, even with my 5 foot 2 frame, 125 pound body,  bent the metal railings on the gurney, released my legs froms the bindings and kicked a nurse.  I was superhuman, and I was fighting to go save my son's life.  This happened on the 4th of Sept.  I woke up on the 15th of Sept.  I was apparently put into a drug induced coma for 15 days.  The medication my doc had started me on had caused my lungs to burn and clot, so I could not breathe.  When I woke up it was Sunday, and  I was on a ventilator and strapped into a special round bed (looked liked a space ship to me) so they could rotate me.  They took me off the ventilator on Monday, but I could not talk until Tuesday.  I was reaching for a sac on the floor and fell out of bed Tuesday, and literally laid on the floor totally helpless - I could not get up.  This is Friday morning, and I am in a new hospital.  My whole life has changed.  I don't even think the reality of this has really set in yet.  I had been so independent, and when I was laying on the floor of the hospital and could not get up, and this male aide comes in and just scoops me up off the floor and puts me back in bed it was sort of like a slap in the face or a jolt of reality, or when I could not twist the lid off my milk bottle.  I still have kids at home, in school.  My x is trying to get power of attorney.  Boy, I tell you, I have been workinng with my brothers as quickly as I can trying to get any legal paperwork done to protect myself and my boys.  My dad tells me that everyday he and mom get home from the hospital and mom just sits and cries all afternoon.  My x has moved into my home on the pretense of making sure my two youngest get to school, but in reality I know he had been kicked out of the home he had been in for his violence.  Of course he is getting a free ride there - I'm paying for everything, even though I am in the hospital.  I also lost my new job - I was told that because i did not call in sick for 3 days in a row, I was automatically terminated.  I am so grateful to be alive, because I have learned I still have the blood clots in my lungs, and it will take at least 3 months to get rid of them.  But I'll tell you that I am so grateful to be alive, and I am going to work my butt off and get out of this wheelchair as fast as I can and get my life back on track again.  There must be a reason this happened - I don't know why, and I don't care - but there is a reason I am still here.  Love to all my friends.

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